M.Y. Work

Dear Hank....

2011-03-21T16:23:00.001-04:00

a friend
of mine
wrote a poem once
about the whores
that find him
and pill freaks
that knock on
his door

he doesn't know
i consider him
a friend
in fact he's dead
now
and i'm
sure
if he and
i had the unfortunate
grace of
living in
the same period
of time
he would
tell me
to fuck off
or go screw
possibly
i would make
it into
one of his stories
as one of
the people that
scared him the most

not in that
scared crazy kind
of way
but in
the way that
he wouldn't like
who i am
because i fear life
and that
would scare him

he wrote
of these pill freaks
and prostitutes
in a poem once
and how he
was
waiting for a good
woman, and how
his friends would
always tell him
it would do him good

if he could read
from his
grave
i would give him
the grace
of letting him
know
i've had
the good ones,
i've had
what amounts to them
all,

they are all the same anyway
and i would tell
him that he didn't
miss much,
staring at them petting
a cat,
and combing
thier hair,
or doing
the dishes
while they
whistle to
a nice pretty song
on the radio

i would tell him
he did it right
he wouldn't believe me
but i would tell him

of all the whores, and
prostitutes
and pill freaks
and (my own)
they all
wore me out
in ways
the good ones
left me
empty.

test album

2010-04-14T14:54:00.002-04:00

M.Y. Work

click this for the album

click watch the slideshow

2010-02-15T10:30:00.000-05:00

screw southwest!!!!!!!!!!

MIX IT UP!

2009-03-26T00:10:00.003-04:00

WOW.. holy crap! It's been way too long. Though here I am tonight... late, little too uppity to sleep. I've got some fantastic news over the past few hours, so I really don't feel like sleeping! Anyways the reason I'm here tonight.... I was asked to make a mix tape. Over chatting, a friend of mine really started to dig some of my musical tastes. So, they asked for a mix cd. Now I've made a "grouping of 10 or 12 songs to get a point across cd" a "these 14 tunes make me think about you" cd but a mix cd? back to high school? mix tapes where every moment counted. Each pass of the tape across the heads had to be thought about. You don't just all willy nilly toss songs onto a tape to turn someone on to a certain styling of music. Furthermore once you've decided on using the allotted amount of tape with those songs.. now there's the order in which they need to be placed. Do you start with a bang? Ease them into it? Are you out to impress purely on a musical level? What is the over all message? Is there one at all? More importantly will there be a volume 2? So, is this just a bounce some new tunes my way and let me figure it out kinda thing or is it more like a .. take my hand.. show me what you can do, and let me tell you where I want to go. Well, that's what I went with. I decided to nab a few of my favorite tunes and throw them on. I was cautious not to say much with the CD just "Here is what I hear." Over all I think it's a DAMN good mix.. DAMN good. I think it will be the first of many mixes to come.. I've been thinking about taking some playlists I make to run, depending on what I'm doing.. light or hard days. Well I guess it comes to this here.. what is the track listing? Well here it be..

2008-12-16T14:42:00.001-05:00

playing in the SNOW!!!!!!!!

2008-12-12T10:08:00.001-05:00

is pirched on the handlebars of a blind mans bike.

2008-12-11T13:06:00.001-05:00

clapping my hands!!!

2008-11-28T12:25:00.001-05:00

almost done with the day... I really need to recoop

2008-11-27T13:50:00.001-05:00

can't wait to pop the belt to the next notch! Hooray Turkey Day!

parking lot thoughts....

2008-10-25T12:47:00.000-04:00

So im sitting in a parking lot in commack, trying to shhake my head off my shoulders so I can get past these mental hurdles that for some reason I cannot shake. Well that's not true entirely. I know why I can't shake em, its just hard to do sometimes when you find yourself too afraid to drop to your knees and beg, pray, ask, demand or whatever it is. Fear of rejection, fear of pride, fear of lowering a self installed gate enough to venture outside of a comfortable estate you've grown to know. well anyway, i sit. As i do so i light up a smokke knowing today has to be the last day i continue with this awful habit i thought i shaked twice already. So i roll down my window just enough to let the smoke out, no more. I throw on some good tunes that fit my mood by i am kloot. Right as my brain begins to rattle even further down a road ive come to call my way home something small sneaks its way into the half an inch of an opening my window leaves to the outside. I dont knwo what to call it. The only thing i know it as is those things that come of trees you open and put on your nose, or helicopters.
You know i was reading through some of my writings the other night and noticed i say... "You know its funny" a lot i usually say it as i go off on something i think to be profound or something ive put out there for someone imparticular to read in hopes theyll change their mind. Though i am going to try to stop saying that. Its not funny... It is the way things need to be. See that little thing that fell on my lap stopped my brain in its tracks like a train coming to a screaming hault as the conductor notices a woman tied to the tracks that the movie hero needs to rescue. I remember being a child and finding the humor in my father placing these things on his nose and making a funny face. And recently i got the chance to place that same smile on my little girls face as we sat in a back yard and i found them. She grabbed as many as she could and kept telling me to put them on

out to lunch

2008-10-23T12:01:00.000-04:00

ately it seems like I've been floating somewhere in a dream. I don't know if its a good dream or a bad one, though its definitely a mix between reality and nonreality. Im not sure where im goinng recently. I find myself stuttering on thoughts. Walking with my head down, not because I am ashamed or hanging my head, but because I need to focus on my toes following in the same path as my heels. When I think I've placed a finger on an idea it swifty moves away. Daydreams distract me from the brake lights infront of me. I find that my spinning head isnt understood by many. I tend to drift away while people are talking. Mostly to a good place but sometimes its a little scary there. I guess its normal when people go through stressing times they focus on smaller items rather than the ones at large. Its funny though i find grounding moments too. Driving down ocean parkway is always a way to settle any of my flighty patterns. Also spending time with daughter take pretty much any thought ive had and tosses it into some sort of "to be continued" bin. I hope that while these thoughts circle through my tiny little brain, the bigger picture doesnt get lost. I find myself standing taller lately too, dont get me wrong things arent all weird. They just are kinda like those space goblin spirits the scientologists believe in... Waiting to land somewhere. Ive got a great life with a fucking hell of a ride left and every smile laugh tear or frown is always noticed and accounted for and placed in a little memory. Its where i find myself as chopin plays and my fingers fly around the keys and i let go onto the virtual paper that may someday become a book of edited and proofed thoughts. eh who knows. maybe its just due to the change in weather and being constricted to being indoors and more clothing and having to retire my flip flops for the season. that's probably all it is, but over the past few years I've come to notice sharing these thoughts with you people and hearin " yeah

2008-10-23T08:14:00.001-04:00

wants to be part of the human race

2008-10-23T08:13:00.001-04:00

whats to be part of the human race

2008-10-10T15:20:00.001-04:00

is only hours away from a 4 day weekend!!!! woot!

2008-09-19T07:17:00.001-04:00

just because the air stinks doesn't mean i'm gonna stop breathing

2008-09-16T23:14:00.001-04:00

sleep... brain off ...

2008-09-15T11:15:00.001-04:00

at home playing with AJ.......w00t!

2008-09-14T12:05:00.001-04:00

has got entirely too much shit!

2008-09-12T07:07:00.001-04:00

... finally got some sleep ...

Dream Well....

2008-09-08T10:18:00.001-04:00

so a few days ago I was driving around with my daughter in the back of my Jeep. I don't know how she does it, but she finds a way to fall asleep with a loud exhaust and the top off. While I was driving through Bay Shore, I saw a gas station that was fenced in and borded up. I don't know why but I glanced over to read the grafetti on the wall. Maybe it was because there wasn't much to it. It was just two words. "Dream Well". I had to stop and take a picture. I got back into the car with my little girl and headed home.
You know it's funny, so many times I pass by words written in cement. It's usually someone's name or a date. My father actually placed his hand in a run off my grandfather made years ago, and that's there forever. It never really made any sense to me, but I guess it's some form of immortality. Leaving your mark for the world to see forever, or at least until the cement is gone. I commented once while walking that someone had chosen those moments to write FUCK in the ground. I love the word. I truly do. I think it's great and fun to use. Though I think if I was had that moment ( I've never been lucky enough to pass a slab of unattended, freshly poured cement) I wouldn't choose that word. I'd want to write something like a date, my daughter's name, or a slogan or something.
So back to "Dream Well". I found myself staring at my daughter through the rearview on the ride home thinking those two words over and over. Then I thought of how I'd love to tell her that and I want to remember it. So now, to those I love and care about I've decided to pass that information along. I am not sure why it hit me the way it did. Maybe it was because I've got a lot of great dreams up in my noggin, that at almost 30 years old are coming true, or at least seem closer to coming true. Maybe it's because there are a lot of them, that are still dreams. Maybe it's because I've said so much about living in the moment while you are doing things that I kind of forgot about how valuable little things like laying down at night and dreaming can be as well. So to quote a shirt I saw recently that because of these spray painted words of wisdom, I want even more.

carpe noctem

2008-09-07T11:03:00.001-04:00

had a pretty damn good week!

2008-09-06T07:21:00.001-04:00

should just stay in bed today

2008-09-05T20:06:00.001-04:00

can't stop thinking ...............

2008-09-04T01:19:00.001-04:00

brain off.....

2008-09-03T07:06:00.001-04:00

When work feels overwhelming, remember that you're going to die

2008-09-03T00:44:00.001-04:00

....brain off......sleep

2008-09-02T02:39:00.001-04:00

had a pretty damn good day

2008-08-30T13:58:00.001-04:00

When will they develop button technology that understands a sense of urgency?

2008-08-30T07:10:00.001-04:00

can't wait to go back to bed tonight

Therapy for real life.....

2008-08-30T01:06:00.002-04:00

You know sometimes you sit and think you have everything figured out. I mean, at least I do sometimes. Things look clear at moments. I don't know what the difference is between the moments they do and the moments things look blurry and fuzzy. For a long time I thought it was drugs, or booze that made them cloudy. Then I thought it was women, well I'm not giving up on that one yet, but I know there's more. I find myself opening up to random strangers while I'm in their homes talking about pieces of my life and getting different outlooks. It's fun, I can pretend there too. I can still say I'm married. I can say I have a house. I can say my Jeep doesn't suck. I can pretend that I have it figured out. Sometimes I do it all. I talk about my "wife" like she lives with me. I say things like "WE took my daughter out to...." or "WE did..." Other times I leave it up to them, I may mention my daughter and speak about her for whatever reason, and then let them figure it out. I guess I just like to feel like somewhere something makes sense. Even if it's in my own little world. Though, there are also times when you find a person that you didn't expect to. The otherday i got to spend time with someone at first seemed to be a total dickwad, and kinda was. Though, I think somewhere in the past months of drugs, being home all the time, having to rely on strangers to do petty little tasks like cut his tofu, and radiation therapy ( yeah he had cancer ) he was humbled. He sat back at one point while I was installing something or other, and just watched his 12 year old son sleep. I caught him a few times just looking over in his direction. Wondering, how many more times he was going to be able to get a chance to do that. He even turned the TV off at one point and just looked up at the ceiling for a good 10 minutes. Now, yeah he could have been high on some legal form of dope, but I'd like to think for my own little story, he was pondering what's next, or at least looking at right now, or just then. It, for me, was also humbling. I got a chance to read something he wrote as well. He asked me to read it, I'm not sure why, but he specifically pointed this document out and said make sure there is NOTHING wrong with this one. So I did. Over a year ago was the first time I cried in someone's home, out of pure frustration over my life being in a pretty sad state, and wanting to change it but not being able to because I was stuck in a closet of some rich hamptons home routing wires in a wall. I swore it would never happen again. Well, I'm a dick and it did. I sat here and read this mans letter to his daughter about how he spoke about his ex wife, ( yep, he was going through getting divorced too ) It was amazing looking at all the little things that seemed to not matter anymore to him. It was amazing to look at what it was this man held, close to his heart enough to write a letter to his daughter basically telling her how he was about to die, but he loved her. Things weren't her fault. She was beautiful. How his (ex)wife was a good person, no matter how many bad things he said about her during the split. How he wouldn't want to change anything. And then, I read this, "... I would however, change being away from you guys. ( he had a few kids ) The problems that exsisted between your mother and I, could have easily been addressed if we put what was important infront of us, you three. I am sorry that we did not" I do not know how I kept my head screwed on straight at that point. It went in so many ways, it went to just leaving right then and there, fuck my job, and running to Kerri and dropping to a knee and asking her to forgive me again. It went to running to my daughter and giving her the most amazing hug and telling her I am never leaving her side again no matter what. It went to giving this guy the biggest hug and telling him if i didn't have a kid i'd die for him, so he could fix it all. It was a shock. See I write often about how my life is wonderful and how splendid things are. Don't get me wrong, it is wonderful, I have an amazing daughter. I have a wonderful family that has put up with my emotional ups and downs. I had a great wife, whom well, is still in my life but as of right now just the mother of my child, and that alone is all one can ask for, that your child has a great mom, if you get to have that part of her in your life, great, but if you can't, you take what you can i guess. I guess what I am trying to say here is that, I always sit back and write about how life is a gift, how things are important, how you need to get up and do something with your life. How too many people are sitting around reading THIS instead of going to the one they love and telling them so. Too many people don't take risks in their lives. They sit on their hands and wonder whats coming next instead of trying to find out themselves. Too many people sit back in an easy chair, and grab a remote. Too many people don't spend enough damn time with thier kids. Though, until the other day, I didn't realize just how precious every single fucking moment really really is. Fact of the matter is I haven't been doing it myself. I've been looking at the past, trying to get things back to the way they were. I don't know if that's the right thing to do. Things were great then. They had some shit but they weren't all bad. Though years have past now, and they'll never be that again. They could be close, which is honestly what I'm rooting for, but they will never be the same. I just know, that going forward, I am going to make an effort to live each moment intentionally. Each moment for a purpose. Each moment with vibrant energy. YES! That means some times it's going to be glowing with love and passion, and pure dopeness. It also means sometimes there is going to be very vivid colors of anger and sadness and heartache. You know what though? If I find out that I have cancer in a year or five. I will be able to say, i fucking LIVED. I hiked up my little skirt and did it. So if it means getting my heart broken a thousand times over from the same woman, break it! If it means standing up and screaming out things I truly believe in, cover your ears! If it means I'm going to fall a few times before I get something right, don't catch me. I got this one!
So, as I sit wondering if anything I've done in my past, anything I've said has been a mistake, one word comes to mind... Nah! Could I have done a few things differently. Yep, sure of course I'm not perfect. Though, I honestly feel, that deep down inside, no matter where they are right now. The people I love and care for and would do anything for, know this, always will, and always have. Maybe they just need to spend some time with a cancer patient.

As Always, thanks for reading.
-vin

2008-08-29T20:42:00.001-04:00

praying for a while... be back later

2008-08-29T13:30:00.001-04:00

if it weren't for my horse, if it weren't for my horse, if it weren't for my horse

2008-08-29T07:10:00.001-04:00

nothin gonna come between me and my afro!

2008-08-28T07:15:00.001-04:00

... it's gonna be a good day tater!

2008-08-27T23:03:00.001-04:00

.... dream well!

2008-08-27T14:09:00.001-04:00

ever get the feeling like you're being followed?

Baby Shit

2008-08-27T14:08:00.000-04:00

I would like to ask you a question, when you smell a that warm scent fof

The nature of my job brings me to many peoples homes every day. Along with the various attitudes and sights, the one thing that's been standing out lately is the smells. I do NOT understand people sometimes. There homes smell like piss, wet dog, nasty cat litter, booze, glade air freshner. NOW, this is where i might tend to differ from a lot of people out there. I have noticed lately that a LOT of peoples homes smell like baby wipes! I don't mind them, I mean i have a daughter, and she did at one point shit her diaper and i had to wipe her tiny little tush clean with them. Though, what I do NOT understand is grown women who use them on EVERYTHING. I am going to let you in on a little hint here if you are one of the ones who do use em. KNOCK IT OFF!!! You know what people smell when they smell baby wipes? It is NOT the clean "fresh" scent that is advertised on the outside of the packaging. They smell baby SHIT! That is the only time you use them! Along with that smell of wet cloth soaking in mild irritant free soap, your nose smells nasty formula riddled baby shit! It's like going to McDonalds. I am sure everyone has their favorite food, meal, drink, or whatever. Though when you walk in what do you fucking think of ... uh.. Fries! ( ok ok ok shut up I know I'm going to get at least a few of you assholes saying .. Uh I don't eat the fries, I think of a Big Mac... ) Point is there are tons of things that you think of when you smell something. I think the majority of people tend to smell SHIT along with babywipes. WHY in god's name would you use them to clean everything up? They aren't really that good, bounty works better. Believe me, I actually used BOTH on my daughters little ass, and was pleasantly surprised with them! Ok so in closing, if you have to clean a small childs feces covered ass, go for the wipes. If it's a dining room table, use the pledge please!

2008-08-27T07:25:00.001-04:00

so in need of a vacation!

2008-08-26T23:22:00.001-04:00

sleep.....brain off!

you tube my google and i'll facebook myspace

2008-08-26T21:01:00.002-04:00

There jittery hands, are hard to slow tonight as I sit to type so I apologize to those who've asked for a new post ....

I've had a few too many thing happening lately to keep some in focus. One mainly being my blog. I've had a few posts here and there over the past month or so, but they've been minimal at best, and quite frankly my twitter tweets have been more up over the past week or so due to the ease of use. Now that i've got my ping.fm account agoin' it's hard NOT to keep a microblog. Which is kinda funny because that seems to be what everyone is interested in anyway. I find myself being asked about my status comments more than anything else on my page. Don't get me wrong I love social networking, I do.. I enjoy my blog, twitter, flickr, rejaw, last.fm, livejournal etc. accounts, but well you know how I feel about myspace ** see previous post ( myspacers that means on blogger).** Though do I think anyone actually gives a rats ass about what I write? Nah, not so much. Though I will tell you I find it entertaining when people read it and laugh, or find a phrase I write something they can relate to.

See I guess this has been my thing lately. There are sooooo many things out there with the social networks, blogs, microblogs, emails, ims texts, ezines it's hard to keep up. I know I shouldn't care. I mean really what do I care about the world reading my happenings as they happen? Though, I am sure there are a few who wouldn't mind to be able to check in on the daily doings of Vinny Capp and see whats up. I mean I know I'm not that interesting, but shit if you people will sit and watch “Rock of love” for an hour a week, SOMETHING I say/do has to be more entertaining. I don't know if this will go on the space or not. I tend to find myself saying things on my blog that might offend some of my fellow spacers, so I leave it be. I leave it here for the others to read, people who might stumble upon it waiting for me to say something inspiring or caring or loving or something to that effect. I don't know when that will come. I do know that one day though I am going to sit down and read all this shit and ask myself... “Self, what the FUCK were you doing writing this shit while you could have been out playing music, riding a bike, running, anything man?” Answer is, I need to get my thoughts out sometimes, they sit in here a little too long at times and I get worried that if they don't come out they may never come out. So tonight as I sit here with really nothing more to say than “I've got too many social networks” The fact of the matter is, it's yet tuesday again, and on tuesday nights I feel so much more lonely than I do any other moment of the week. Because right now, is the longest I have to wait for my daughter to come back, for the rest of the week. I know this took a different turn here, but well, it usually does at one point or another. I promise though... I will try to post a few more things up here, more frequently. I swear it!

=VIN=

2008-08-26T20:39:00.001-04:00

trying to get as lucky as chopin...........

2008-08-26T09:33:00.001-04:00

enjoying the beach .. while it's still here

2008-08-25T21:36:00.001-04:00

when your kid asks for music while falling asleep instead of tv ... you know youre doing something right

2008-08-25T18:17:00.001-04:00

why did i format my ipod :(

2008-08-25T17:02:00.001-04:00

doing my second favorite thing to do in the rain!

And another one.....

2008-08-01T18:30:00.003-04:00

Hey everyone time for another article from wwwclubdouble.com PLEASE check it out. Sorry for the recent lacking of blog posts. I have a few things to write about so over the next few days I'll have a LOT to write about!

http://clubdouble.com/columns/askaway/justafriend-3.html

Thanks

CLUB DOUBLE!!!!!!!!!!

2008-07-09T21:07:00.002-04:00

So it's paid off, all of my ranting and raving, poetry, complaining, yapping away, observing, and everything else I've done on these pages, was looked at recently. They dug it, so much so they asked me to write a column on their site. I now have yet another place for you to read my stuff. Count em that's now 5, though this one isn't a social networking site. This is now just a normal website, with columns, writings and some other fun stuff for you all to enjoy. Though my part is an advice column, I know I know, hey I'm going to give it a whirl, who knows .. sometimes seeing things from the outside is a little easier! So please come check it out. I'll make it easy for you..

click here

Thank you to everyone who said you were digging what I am writing and believe me.. though myspace is starting to fall away from my main blog, the others are all still going strong and will continue to.

When it all comes crumbling down....

2008-06-28T10:13:00.002-04:00

You know there are small things in people's lives that happen everyday, and I honestly feel like most people miss them. I know I have missed a lot over the past few years. I've been in a haze, my life has been in a pretty big mess-a-roonie. I've had a lot on my mind. It's been a non-stop mess up there. I've thought a few times I had it straightened out and then low and behold I get smacked in the face with something new thrown on my plate before I'm really finished with what was there. Then the other day, it all got put in perspective. It was the coming together of a few things, I had no idea at the time that they were what they were until yesterday morning at about 8am. So the story goes like this......

I've been in this weird place of mine for awhile, not too many things are going the way I'd like them to. I was venting to a friend of mine, whom I've said I envy quite a few times. While doing so, he pointed something out to me. I believe his words were something along the lines of "I would love to be in your shoes, man, you get to start all over, you can do anything you want" Now at first I thought this was a pretty fucking stupid thing to say. I mean honestly, I'm almost 30, I have a 2 and a half year old daughter, I'm going through the horrible process that is, dealing with a ship you did not want to sink and still want to get to float. Really? The begining? Come now. Well so I moved on, thinking he's a fucking quack. Then a few days later, my car pretty much just blows up, no warning really, just dead. Awesome. So, now I guess I'm at the PRE-begining. Then I am walking outside of a store with my daughter the other day and she looks at the parking lot ahead of us, and gets extremely excited, because there are a lot of puddles, in front of her. Of course she wants to jump in them, and because I think it's one of the greatest things to watch her do, even though we were all dressed to head out for the day and it meant going back home and changing her, she went to town, jumping in everyone of them splashing, kicking, and telling me "Daddy, you do it." So to please her I did, and in was in that moment something small sparked inside of me. Later that afternoon, her and I were in another parking lot and as we were walking to the car, she stopped, out of no where. It was really really weird, almost as if she was trying to tell me something, though she didn't say anything. When I looked down at her she was standing on a manhole cover looking at me. Now, that has a REALLY deep meaning to me. I kind of think that's where everything started. So it was time for my week to begin again. I asked a few people for a ride to work and they couldn't do it. So, I mapped out a route on a train and bus to get to work. No big deal, I figured I'll get some reading done and listen to some tunes I've been meaning to get my head into. About 3 songs into an album I've been meaning to sit down and REALLY listen to again . I start smiling and tearing up at the same time. I realized something. I noticed that my life has come to a very large fork in the road. So, here is where it all comes together.
I sit on the train realizing, I've spent a lot of time looking at other people to help me through things. I've spent some time looking at other people to figure things out for me. I've also looked at my lap, wondering when the fuck something was going to fall into it and make something of myself. Well, it did. It wasn't money, it wasn't someone handing me a car or a life that I've wanted. It was a moment of clarity. It was a split second of light shining on my head and lighting a path ahead of me. It was all those moments I described above coming together, over and over. It was the exact opposite of Lewis Black's explanation for a brain aneurysm. I saw everything clear, and I sat up straighter, walked off the train faster, taller, and better than ever. I thought about how all these things in front of me, are there, and honestly I have no fucking clue what to do with them. I thought about how my life honestly is a little scrambled right now. I thought about how, I have to do something. Then I thought about how the path ahead of me, is littered with potholes and groves and cracks. Then I thought about my AJ looking at the same type of road, stunted with obstactles to walk around, and make it almost impossible for a straight path to be run. I thought about how that amazing piece of heaven's greatest angel handled it. She smiled, and grabbed one of the most important people in her life, by the hand and jumped right the fuck into it. Took it ALL in, didn't give a shit, didn't care, about what it did to her shoes, or her dress, or her Dad. Now, I know, she's only 2 and a half, and doesn't have the worry about thinking that she just spend 10 bucks on those shoes or 10 on the dress, and that she doesn't care that it's rain water and will have to take a bath when she gets home. Though, it made me ground myself a little bit. It made me think about another man I envied. There was this man, I think about 40 at the time, who hated his job. Tried a few different things and nothing seemed to be to his liking, nothing that he was qualified for at least. So, he dropped what he was doing, went to school and became a nurse. Now, he didn't have a child, well he had 2 but they were off in college, or out, and pretty much doing what they had to do. Though he did it. How many times do you hear about someone being 40 years old and RE-starting their career. It always made me think. So now here I am roughly in the same boat, I have a lot of choices ahead of me, and a lot of places to go. I don't know how to close this. I don't really know how to end it. I just know that there are a lot of things in my life that I wish I did that, I never thought I'd get the chance to, and with over a month of no smokes, years and years of no drugs, and a year and a half of being put through the most time I've ever spent in my head. I am happy to be here. I've got my list. It hurts there are people that are not next to me anymore that I would really like to be there. All in all though, I know this... I am right where I need to be. So in a few short words. BRING IT THE FUCK ON!

Hey look I invented the wheel!!!!

2008-06-16T10:42:00.003-04:00

I like to consider myself a purist. I tend to believe that the original is usually better. I mean look at Willy Wonka, the book was amazing as a child, and the movie with Gene Wilder, was even better. Then along comes Tim Burton, and they make this new thing, that I will admit, mimics the book a lot better, but doesn't compare to the first flick at all. I find myself in this train of thought a lot lately. I mean seriously, "if it ain't broke .. don't fix it". I also find myself staring at television shows, wondering when someone is going to have an original idea again, so we can watch something other than three versions of C.S.I and yet another three versions of Law and Order. Yeah, yeah I know that it's due to the large amount of success that the original ones had, and they want to capitalize on it as much as possible, but come on, really? Three of each? Seriously? We need three hours a week of pretty much the same show?
So with that I've decided about two years ago to stop watching television unless it's on my TiVO, this way I can record shows that I like. Though now it seems my child has taken it over. I barely have room for Scrubs, with the countless amounts of Dora, Sponge Bob, and Blues Clues. It actually surprised me as well to find that this theory trickles over. They cannot leave well enough alone. Now I know things happen. Like Steve leaving and him leaving Blue to his cousin Joe, which by the way, happens to be the lamest companion of that poor dog, honestly what must be going through her poor little doggie head? "Steve understood me, this guy is a doofus" Ok so maybe that's my opinion, though it is my daughters as well. She refuses to watch that dorkus, and will only watch episodes with Steve in them. Though recently they came out with another show that features Blue that's a spin-off, yes a spin off of a freakin cartoon, making Blue a large puppet, who has her own room, in which she talks to everyone. Yeah you heard me right, she TALKS! See this is what I mean. It doesn't make any sense. I know that it's a kids show and maybe I'm going a little over board here, but why when the WHOLE point of Blues Clues is Blue having to convey what she wants to due through a series of clues marked by her paw prints to Steve, and now Joe, can they make a show where she can speak freely to whom ever is within her room. So, didn't anyone in the development of this new show, stand up and say "Hey wait a minute. If we make Blue able to talk in a room why the hell doesn't she just bring Joe in said room so she can tell him what the hell she wants to do, instead of running around throwing her dirty paw prints all over the place?"
So I guess all I'm trying to say is I wish there were more people out there that were willing to put themselves out on a ledge with an original idea they've thought of that might be taking a chance with and might risk failure, than make a sure thing that someone else did and they just put enough thought into it make different enough not to be the same.

Graduation

2008-06-10T21:12:00.000-04:00

As I sit at my little brothers graduation, I think about how wonderfully ignorant some of the children about to walk out these doors are. They have their heads held high. Their feet walking in stride and an overwhelming sense of accomplisment. That they should. They seem like a great group of kids in their red gowns and caps. Though they have no clue as to what is going to smack them in the face over the next few years. It reminds me of sitting at a friends house in what was supposed to be my senior year of high school while they told me to just hang myself as I walked down the stairs of the stage. They were bitter. I myself am not. I've led a tremendous 29 years so far and though the past feww have seemed to be the hardest. They have been the best. Hey have taught me who I have in my life. Nevermind that. Back to these kids. They see themselves making impacts on the world at large in ways you read about in books and see in movies. I wish I could tell them they will do more than that. They will wake up tomorrow or 4 years from now and become the work force of tomorrow. They will employ small businesses maybe large ones. They will drive on the road and let someone else in their lane. Thhey will let someonee go ahead of them in line. They will hold the door open for someone. They will give birth or raise the chiildren that will fill the schools they graduated from. They will live. It is an amazingly simplistic life we lead. And while we search for the right quote and the right line to say to leave a crowd of people thinkig of the meaning of life. Something in me has clicked recently and realize our lives are already accomplished when we are born... Not in a religious god has our plan figured kind of way. But in a way that while we have no idea what we are doing... We are doing something greater than saving the planet for tomorrow... We are making out surrounding 3 feet of our own space.. A great place for someone to visit.

Why did I do this again???

2008-06-08T22:40:00.000-04:00

Ok so it's been about 3 weeks since my last smoke, actually it's been over that, 3 week and 2 days at this point in time right now. I find myself have a MUCH easier time with this than I have in the past attempts I've made a quitting. I am able to play with my daughter a lot easier now. I can do the yard work and things I want better. I can go for a nightly run, which ALWAYS makes me feel better. There are still times that I cannot find my reasons so easily. I think that is one of the reasons I've started this page. I am sure there will be few readers, as always I have the handful of you who read whatever I write, but I think this page is more for me and my thoughts collectively and avoiding the ever stalking events of myspace. I've known far too many people that are sucked into the sinkhole that is "Their space" It's funny I am an avid technology fan and find it harder than anything to wrap my mind around that page. Yes I understand there are so many people on it. Yes I understand that a novice internet browser can make a neat little page, call it their own and do things with it that they couldn't before. I don't see what the attraction is. There are so many other great ways to do so, like flickr, picasa, blogger, hell you could pick up a freakin book and learn a little html yourself... but they've limited themselves to that silly little site, because of it's built in audience and ease of use. ( Though I do have one, and it's there and I've kept it fairly recent. Feel free to check it out www.myspace.com/dinkdrmr You will find much more here and notice that as the days go on this will become more and more my source of sharing myself with the internet browsing world) So see, I come to the pages of this blog to rant about the troubles of putting out the ciggs, and I find myself on a bashing rant about myspace and it's dwellers, that have crippled the web as we (used) to know it.

I can't right click.. and I love it!

2008-06-08T01:17:00.000-04:00

So I spent the past 3 days being taught and tested on Mac OSX Leopard, yes I will admit I am pretty behind here and I am just getting on the bandwagon. I will say though, after a few days over a week with MacBook of my own to play with, and two amazing teachers showing me all the neato things I can do with it, I have to admit I am deeply looking into my finances and figuring ways I can come up with $1499.
I am not one to join a tribe of people just because it looks like fun. I have always been a fan of the sleek nature of macs and how they look. I also liked the fact that they seem to have a much larger capacity for naturally handling the things I seem to enjoy like music, graphic arts, and other creative outlets. Though I do NOT care for the price tag. After the last few days of being shown the things that really make a difference and WHY that price tag is so high. It seems well worth it now.
So there we go, it's official, I am a fanboy. I have become one of those people who will fight about how macs are far superior to windows. Though now, unlike the people that just enjoy the fact that they are white (which by the way is the one thing i REALLY don't like about them) and look pretty and the fact that "they don't get viruses" I have proof.

Travel to Minnesota

2008-06-06T21:45:00.000-04:00

I seem to notice a few more things lately. I notice while sitting at an airport bar next to about 3 other people, no one seems to says hello to anyone anymore. Just the other night I was at a bar near my house. I was sitting having a few drinks. I was waiting for someone. While I waited I found myself talking to a few people. One of which was a man, obviously about 50 or so, just killing a few hours on his way home from work, or instead of coming home to his wife. Another was a woman, about my age, pissed off about her husband, or boyfriend, or whatever label it was they've placed on each other. The others were well, boring so i do not recall what they were like. it hear i realize that there are no more groupings of people wanting to surround themselves with humanity. It seems ironic i complain about such a thing in the middle of the airport waiting for the woman to call my flight, on a macbook, while surrounded by people I do not know, and could use to get to know. I am sure they have stories. BUt to be honest the only one that seems interesting is the woman that sits next to me. She sits writing in here book. I've glanced a few times to see what it is she's writting. I cannot completely figure it out. It seems to be a story of sorts, about her and something she's done. Though she is surrounded with her family. Her father sitting a few seats down from me, her mother across from him and her brother about 2 rows back. I mean seriously if it isn't for the family using of today holding us to a point that we could hold society to a standard of then who is it that we can go to later. I am not saying my family is fantastic, by any means. Though is there a reason that we cannot seem to entertain ourselves for more than 3 minutes without some sort of electronic device. Yes again, I know there are too many ironies. Though seriously. Can we worry about something other than our phones charge, or our laptops weight, or what song is playing on our ipod. I don't know. I guess i find myself wondering where it is that we stand in a society filled with beeps and batteries, when we cannot sit still within ourselves. I find my self listening to other peoples conversations and wishing i did not have to hear the silly mundane simpleminded things they are saying. We are wonderful creatures. We can ponder a great many things. IF we say took maybe a small amount of the time we place into worrying about the crap we do, like what tv show we are going to watch tonight, or what kind of thing we are going to place on our shoes in place of the holes in our crocs, or what kid of small piece of information about our favorite actress or actor we are going to fill our minds with, what if we thought about how to make a battery smaller? What if we thought about how to play an instrument? What if we thought about how to create something that we spark thought in another human being? Would that be far too much to ask out of a group of people complacent with sitting alone? Would that be too much to ask from someone that cant' handle just sitting alone in a room for more than 5 minutes without checking a myspace page? Honestly I think it will be. I think it has come to a point that our children will be no more than mindless walking media-lites, yea i don't know if that is a word but i use it for a nothing of a person that is just able to sit and watch tv and believe what it is they read in the paper, and see on the screen. I find it too often that i see too many people that cannot think for themselves. I hear people talk about what they saw on tv last night and it becomes their vision. I hear others talk about the latest video they saw against 9/11 and how it MUST be true because they saw a face in teh cloud of smoke on said video. I often wonder where the search for knowledge is in these people. I am not saying i've found these answers. I am not saying that I know where they are, and I am FOR sure not going to say that I have began to look for them in anyway. Though I will say that the questions I want answers to, well. I am on my way to finding out, or I have already answered. I myself know that in this day I can say that there is nothing that I do not know that I want to know, that I do not plan on finding the answer to tomorrow. I am sure there are a few things that will elude me with int eh next few days. I am sure there are ever more things that I will never know, but that is more than ok. Those are the things I leave for AJ to figure out.