parking lot thoughts....

So im sitting in a parking lot in commack, trying to shhake my head off my shoulders so I can get past these mental hurdles that for some reason I cannot shake. Well that's not true entirely. I know why I can't shake em, its just hard to do sometimes when you find yourself too afraid to drop to your knees and beg, pray, ask, demand or whatever it is. Fear of rejection, fear of pride, fear of lowering a self installed gate enough to venture outside of a comfortable estate you've grown to know. well anyway, i sit. As i do so i light up a smokke knowing today has to be the last day i continue with this awful habit i thought i shaked twice already. So i roll down my window just enough to let the smoke out, no more. I throw on some good tunes that fit my mood by i am kloot. Right as my brain begins to rattle even further down a road ive come to call my way home something small sneaks its way into the half an inch of an opening my window leaves to the outside. I dont knwo what to call it. The only thing i know it as is those things that come of trees you open and put on your nose, or helicopters.
You know i was reading through some of my writings the other night and noticed i say... "You know its funny" a lot i usually say it as i go off on something i think to be profound or something ive put out there for someone imparticular to read in hopes theyll change their mind. Though i am going to try to stop saying that. Its not funny... It is the way things need to be. See that little thing that fell on my lap stopped my brain in its tracks like a train coming to a screaming hault as the conductor notices a woman tied to the tracks that the movie hero needs to rescue. I remember being a child and finding the humor in my father placing these things on his nose and making a funny face. And recently i got the chance to place that same smile on my little girls face as we sat in a back yard and i found them. She grabbed as many as she could and kept telling me to put them on

out to lunch

ately it seems like I've been floating somewhere in a dream. I don't know if its a good dream or a bad one, though its definitely a mix between reality and nonreality. Im not sure where im goinng recently. I find myself stuttering on thoughts. Walking with my head down, not because I am ashamed or hanging my head, but because I need to focus on my toes following in the same path as my heels. When I think I've placed a finger on an idea it swifty moves away. Daydreams distract me from the brake lights infront of me. I find that my spinning head isnt understood by many. I tend to drift away while people are talking. Mostly to a good place but sometimes its a little scary there. I guess its normal when people go through stressing times they focus on smaller items rather than the ones at large. Its funny though i find grounding moments too. Driving down ocean parkway is always a way to settle any of my flighty patterns. Also spending time with daughter take pretty much any thought ive had and tosses it into some sort of "to be continued" bin. I hope that while these thoughts circle through my tiny little brain, the bigger picture doesnt get lost. I find myself standing taller lately too, dont get me wrong things arent all weird. They just are kinda like those space goblin spirits the scientologists believe in... Waiting to land somewhere. Ive got a great life with a fucking hell of a ride left and every smile laugh tear or frown is always noticed and accounted for and placed in a little memory. Its where i find myself as chopin plays and my fingers fly around the keys and i let go onto the virtual paper that may someday become a book of edited and proofed thoughts. eh who knows. maybe its just due to the change in weather and being constricted to being indoors and more clothing and having to retire my flip flops for the season. that's probably all it is, but over the past few years I've come to notice sharing these thoughts with you people and hearin " yeah

wants to be part of the human race

whats to be part of the human race

is only hours away from a 4 day weekend!!!! woot!