When it all comes crumbling down....

You know there are small things in people's lives that happen everyday, and I honestly feel like most people miss them. I know I have missed a lot over the past few years. I've been in a haze, my life has been in a pretty big mess-a-roonie. I've had a lot on my mind. It's been a non-stop mess up there. I've thought a few times I had it straightened out and then low and behold I get smacked in the face with something new thrown on my plate before I'm really finished with what was there. Then the other day, it all got put in perspective. It was the coming together of a few things, I had no idea at the time that they were what they were until yesterday morning at about 8am. So the story goes like this......

I've been in this weird place of mine for awhile, not too many things are going the way I'd like them to. I was venting to a friend of mine, whom I've said I envy quite a few times. While doing so, he pointed something out to me. I believe his words were something along the lines of "I would love to be in your shoes, man, you get to start all over, you can do anything you want" Now at first I thought this was a pretty fucking stupid thing to say. I mean honestly, I'm almost 30, I have a 2 and a half year old daughter, I'm going through the horrible process that is, dealing with a ship you did not want to sink and still want to get to float. Really? The begining? Come now. Well so I moved on, thinking he's a fucking quack. Then a few days later, my car pretty much just blows up, no warning really, just dead. Awesome. So, now I guess I'm at the PRE-begining. Then I am walking outside of a store with my daughter the other day and she looks at the parking lot ahead of us, and gets extremely excited, because there are a lot of puddles, in front of her. Of course she wants to jump in them, and because I think it's one of the greatest things to watch her do, even though we were all dressed to head out for the day and it meant going back home and changing her, she went to town, jumping in everyone of them splashing, kicking, and telling me "Daddy, you do it." So to please her I did, and in was in that moment something small sparked inside of me. Later that afternoon, her and I were in another parking lot and as we were walking to the car, she stopped, out of no where. It was really really weird, almost as if she was trying to tell me something, though she didn't say anything. When I looked down at her she was standing on a manhole cover looking at me. Now, that has a REALLY deep meaning to me. I kind of think that's where everything started. So it was time for my week to begin again. I asked a few people for a ride to work and they couldn't do it. So, I mapped out a route on a train and bus to get to work. No big deal, I figured I'll get some reading done and listen to some tunes I've been meaning to get my head into. About 3 songs into an album I've been meaning to sit down and REALLY listen to again . I start smiling and tearing up at the same time. I realized something. I noticed that my life has come to a very large fork in the road. So, here is where it all comes together.
I sit on the train realizing, I've spent a lot of time looking at other people to help me through things. I've spent some time looking at other people to figure things out for me. I've also looked at my lap, wondering when the fuck something was going to fall into it and make something of myself. Well, it did. It wasn't money, it wasn't someone handing me a car or a life that I've wanted. It was a moment of clarity. It was a split second of light shining on my head and lighting a path ahead of me. It was all those moments I described above coming together, over and over. It was the exact opposite of Lewis Black's explanation for a brain aneurysm. I saw everything clear, and I sat up straighter, walked off the train faster, taller, and better than ever. I thought about how all these things in front of me, are there, and honestly I have no fucking clue what to do with them. I thought about how my life honestly is a little scrambled right now. I thought about how, I have to do something. Then I thought about how the path ahead of me, is littered with potholes and groves and cracks. Then I thought about my AJ looking at the same type of road, stunted with obstactles to walk around, and make it almost impossible for a straight path to be run. I thought about how that amazing piece of heaven's greatest angel handled it. She smiled, and grabbed one of the most important people in her life, by the hand and jumped right the fuck into it. Took it ALL in, didn't give a shit, didn't care, about what it did to her shoes, or her dress, or her Dad. Now, I know, she's only 2 and a half, and doesn't have the worry about thinking that she just spend 10 bucks on those shoes or 10 on the dress, and that she doesn't care that it's rain water and will have to take a bath when she gets home. Though, it made me ground myself a little bit. It made me think about another man I envied. There was this man, I think about 40 at the time, who hated his job. Tried a few different things and nothing seemed to be to his liking, nothing that he was qualified for at least. So, he dropped what he was doing, went to school and became a nurse. Now, he didn't have a child, well he had 2 but they were off in college, or out, and pretty much doing what they had to do. Though he did it. How many times do you hear about someone being 40 years old and RE-starting their career. It always made me think. So now here I am roughly in the same boat, I have a lot of choices ahead of me, and a lot of places to go. I don't know how to close this. I don't really know how to end it. I just know that there are a lot of things in my life that I wish I did that, I never thought I'd get the chance to, and with over a month of no smokes, years and years of no drugs, and a year and a half of being put through the most time I've ever spent in my head. I am happy to be here. I've got my list. It hurts there are people that are not next to me anymore that I would really like to be there. All in all though, I know this... I am right where I need to be. So in a few short words. BRING IT THE FUCK ON!

Hey look I invented the wheel!!!!

I like to consider myself a purist. I tend to believe that the original is usually better. I mean look at Willy Wonka, the book was amazing as a child, and the movie with Gene Wilder, was even better. Then along comes Tim Burton, and they make this new thing, that I will admit, mimics the book a lot better, but doesn't compare to the first flick at all. I find myself in this train of thought a lot lately. I mean seriously, "if it ain't broke .. don't fix it". I also find myself staring at television shows, wondering when someone is going to have an original idea again, so we can watch something other than three versions of C.S.I and yet another three versions of Law and Order. Yeah, yeah I know that it's due to the large amount of success that the original ones had, and they want to capitalize on it as much as possible, but come on, really? Three of each? Seriously? We need three hours a week of pretty much the same show?
So with that I've decided about two years ago to stop watching television unless it's on my TiVO, this way I can record shows that I like. Though now it seems my child has taken it over. I barely have room for Scrubs, with the countless amounts of Dora, Sponge Bob, and Blues Clues. It actually surprised me as well to find that this theory trickles over. They cannot leave well enough alone. Now I know things happen. Like Steve leaving and him leaving Blue to his cousin Joe, which by the way, happens to be the lamest companion of that poor dog, honestly what must be going through her poor little doggie head? "Steve understood me, this guy is a doofus" Ok so maybe that's my opinion, though it is my daughters as well. She refuses to watch that dorkus, and will only watch episodes with Steve in them. Though recently they came out with another show that features Blue that's a spin-off, yes a spin off of a freakin cartoon, making Blue a large puppet, who has her own room, in which she talks to everyone. Yeah you heard me right, she TALKS! See this is what I mean. It doesn't make any sense. I know that it's a kids show and maybe I'm going a little over board here, but why when the WHOLE point of Blues Clues is Blue having to convey what she wants to due through a series of clues marked by her paw prints to Steve, and now Joe, can they make a show where she can speak freely to whom ever is within her room. So, didn't anyone in the development of this new show, stand up and say "Hey wait a minute. If we make Blue able to talk in a room why the hell doesn't she just bring Joe in said room so she can tell him what the hell she wants to do, instead of running around throwing her dirty paw prints all over the place?"
So I guess all I'm trying to say is I wish there were more people out there that were willing to put themselves out on a ledge with an original idea they've thought of that might be taking a chance with and might risk failure, than make a sure thing that someone else did and they just put enough thought into it make different enough not to be the same.

Graduation

As I sit at my little brothers graduation, I think about how wonderfully ignorant some of the children about to walk out these doors are. They have their heads held high. Their feet walking in stride and an overwhelming sense of accomplisment. That they should. They seem like a great group of kids in their red gowns and caps. Though they have no clue as to what is going to smack them in the face over the next few years. It reminds me of sitting at a friends house in what was supposed to be my senior year of high school while they told me to just hang myself as I walked down the stairs of the stage. They were bitter. I myself am not. I've led a tremendous 29 years so far and though the past feww have seemed to be the hardest. They have been the best. Hey have taught me who I have in my life. Nevermind that. Back to these kids. They see themselves making impacts on the world at large in ways you read about in books and see in movies. I wish I could tell them they will do more than that. They will wake up tomorrow or 4 years from now and become the work force of tomorrow. They will employ small businesses maybe large ones. They will drive on the road and let someone else in their lane. Thhey will let someonee go ahead of them in line. They will hold the door open for someone. They will give birth or raise the chiildren that will fill the schools they graduated from. They will live. It is an amazingly simplistic life we lead. And while we search for the right quote and the right line to say to leave a crowd of people thinkig of the meaning of life. Something in me has clicked recently and realize our lives are already accomplished when we are born... Not in a religious god has our plan figured kind of way. But in a way that while we have no idea what we are doing... We are doing something greater than saving the planet for tomorrow... We are making out surrounding 3 feet of our own space.. A great place for someone to visit.

Why did I do this again???

Ok so it's been about 3 weeks since my last smoke, actually it's been over that, 3 week and 2 days at this point in time right now. I find myself have a MUCH easier time with this than I have in the past attempts I've made a quitting. I am able to play with my daughter a lot easier now. I can do the yard work and things I want better. I can go for a nightly run, which ALWAYS makes me feel better. There are still times that I cannot find my reasons so easily. I think that is one of the reasons I've started this page. I am sure there will be few readers, as always I have the handful of you who read whatever I write, but I think this page is more for me and my thoughts collectively and avoiding the ever stalking events of myspace. I've known far too many people that are sucked into the sinkhole that is "Their space" It's funny I am an avid technology fan and find it harder than anything to wrap my mind around that page. Yes I understand there are so many people on it. Yes I understand that a novice internet browser can make a neat little page, call it their own and do things with it that they couldn't before. I don't see what the attraction is. There are so many other great ways to do so, like flickr, picasa, blogger, hell you could pick up a freakin book and learn a little html yourself... but they've limited themselves to that silly little site, because of it's built in audience and ease of use. ( Though I do have one, and it's there and I've kept it fairly recent. Feel free to check it out www.myspace.com/dinkdrmr You will find much more here and notice that as the days go on this will become more and more my source of sharing myself with the internet browsing world) So see, I come to the pages of this blog to rant about the troubles of putting out the ciggs, and I find myself on a bashing rant about myspace and it's dwellers, that have crippled the web as we (used) to know it.

I can't right click.. and I love it!

So I spent the past 3 days being taught and tested on Mac OSX Leopard, yes I will admit I am pretty behind here and I am just getting on the bandwagon. I will say though, after a few days over a week with MacBook of my own to play with, and two amazing teachers showing me all the neato things I can do with it, I have to admit I am deeply looking into my finances and figuring ways I can come up with $1499.
I am not one to join a tribe of people just because it looks like fun. I have always been a fan of the sleek nature of macs and how they look. I also liked the fact that they seem to have a much larger capacity for naturally handling the things I seem to enjoy like music, graphic arts, and other creative outlets. Though I do NOT care for the price tag. After the last few days of being shown the things that really make a difference and WHY that price tag is so high. It seems well worth it now.
So there we go, it's official, I am a fanboy. I have become one of those people who will fight about how macs are far superior to windows. Though now, unlike the people that just enjoy the fact that they are white (which by the way is the one thing i REALLY don't like about them) and look pretty and the fact that "they don't get viruses" I have proof.

Travel to Minnesota

I seem to notice a few more things lately. I notice while sitting at an airport bar next to about 3 other people, no one seems to says hello to anyone anymore. Just the other night I was at a bar near my house. I was sitting having a few drinks. I was waiting for someone. While I waited I found myself talking to a few people. One of which was a man, obviously about 50 or so, just killing a few hours on his way home from work, or instead of coming home to his wife. Another was a woman, about my age, pissed off about her husband, or boyfriend, or whatever label it was they've placed on each other. The others were well, boring so i do not recall what they were like. it hear i realize that there are no more groupings of people wanting to surround themselves with humanity. It seems ironic i complain about such a thing in the middle of the airport waiting for the woman to call my flight, on a macbook, while surrounded by people I do not know, and could use to get to know. I am sure they have stories. BUt to be honest the only one that seems interesting is the woman that sits next to me. She sits writing in here book. I've glanced a few times to see what it is she's writting. I cannot completely figure it out. It seems to be a story of sorts, about her and something she's done. Though she is surrounded with her family. Her father sitting a few seats down from me, her mother across from him and her brother about 2 rows back. I mean seriously if it isn't for the family using of today holding us to a point that we could hold society to a standard of then who is it that we can go to later. I am not saying my family is fantastic, by any means. Though is there a reason that we cannot seem to entertain ourselves for more than 3 minutes without some sort of electronic device. Yes again, I know there are too many ironies. Though seriously. Can we worry about something other than our phones charge, or our laptops weight, or what song is playing on our ipod. I don't know. I guess i find myself wondering where it is that we stand in a society filled with beeps and batteries, when we cannot sit still within ourselves. I find my self listening to other peoples conversations and wishing i did not have to hear the silly mundane simpleminded things they are saying. We are wonderful creatures. We can ponder a great many things. IF we say took maybe a small amount of the time we place into worrying about the crap we do, like what tv show we are going to watch tonight, or what kind of thing we are going to place on our shoes in place of the holes in our crocs, or what kid of small piece of information about our favorite actress or actor we are going to fill our minds with, what if we thought about how to make a battery smaller? What if we thought about how to play an instrument? What if we thought about how to create something that we spark thought in another human being? Would that be far too much to ask out of a group of people complacent with sitting alone? Would that be too much to ask from someone that cant' handle just sitting alone in a room for more than 5 minutes without checking a myspace page? Honestly I think it will be. I think it has come to a point that our children will be no more than mindless walking media-lites, yea i don't know if that is a word but i use it for a nothing of a person that is just able to sit and watch tv and believe what it is they read in the paper, and see on the screen. I find it too often that i see too many people that cannot think for themselves. I hear people talk about what they saw on tv last night and it becomes their vision. I hear others talk about the latest video they saw against 9/11 and how it MUST be true because they saw a face in teh cloud of smoke on said video. I often wonder where the search for knowledge is in these people. I am not saying i've found these answers. I am not saying that I know where they are, and I am FOR sure not going to say that I have began to look for them in anyway. Though I will say that the questions I want answers to, well. I am on my way to finding out, or I have already answered. I myself know that in this day I can say that there is nothing that I do not know that I want to know, that I do not plan on finding the answer to tomorrow. I am sure there are a few things that will elude me with int eh next few days. I am sure there are ever more things that I will never know, but that is more than ok. Those are the things I leave for AJ to figure out.