I've been in this weird place of mine for awhile, not too many things are going the way I'd like them to. I was venting to a friend of mine, whom I've said I envy quite a few times. While doing so, he pointed something out to me. I believe his words were something along the lines of "I would love to be in your shoes, man, you get to start all over, you can do anything you want" Now at first I thought this was a pretty fucking stupid thing to say. I mean honestly, I'm almost 30, I have a 2 and a half year old daughter, I'm going through the horrible process that is, dealing with a ship you did not want to sink and still want to get to float. Really? The begining? Come now. Well so I moved on, thinking he's a fucking quack. Then a few days later, my car pretty much just blows up, no warning really, just dead. Awesome. So, now I guess I'm at the PRE-begining. Then I am walking outside of a store with my daughter the other day and she looks at the parking lot ahead of us, and gets extremely excited, because there are a lot of puddles, in front of her. Of course she wants to jump in them, and because I think it's one of the greatest things to watch her do, even though we were all dressed to head out for the day and it meant going back home and changing her, she went to town, jumping in everyone of them splashing, kicking, and telling me "Daddy, you do it." So to please her I did, and in was in that moment something small sparked inside of me. Later that afternoon, her and I were in another parking lot and as we were walking to the car, she stopped, out of no where. It was really really weird, almost as if she was trying to tell me something, though she didn't say anything. When I looked down at her she was standing on a manhole cover looking at me. Now, that has a REALLY deep meaning to me. I kind of think that's where everything started. So it was time for my week to begin again. I asked a few people for a ride to work and they couldn't do it. So, I mapped out a route on a train and bus to get to work. No big deal, I figured I'll get some reading done and listen to some tunes I've been meaning to get my head into. About 3 songs into an album I've been meaning to sit down and REALLY listen to again . I start smiling and tearing up at the same time. I realized something. I noticed that my life has come to a very large fork in the road. So, here is where it all comes together.I sit on the train realizing, I've spent a lot of time looking at other people to help me through things. I've spent some time looking at other people to figure things out for me. I've also looked at my lap, wondering when the fuck something was going to fall into it and make something of myself. Well, it did. It wasn't money, it wasn't someone handing me a car or a life that I've wanted. It was a moment of clarity. It was a split second of light shining on my head and lighting a path ahead of me. It was all those moments I described above coming together, over and over. It was the exact opposite of Lewis Black's explanation for a brain aneurysm. I saw everything clear, and I sat up straighter, walked off the train faster, taller, and better than ever. I thought about how all these things in front of me, are there, and honestly I have no fucking clue what to do with them. I thought about how my life honestly is a little scrambled right now. I thought about how, I have to do something. Then I thought about how the path ahead of me, is littered with potholes and groves and cracks. Then I thought about my AJ looking at the same type of road, stunted with obstactles to walk around, and make it almost impossible for a straight path to be run. I thought about how that amazing piece of heaven's greatest angel handled it. She smiled, and grabbed one of the most important people in her life, by the hand and jumped right the fuck into it. Took it ALL in, didn't give a shit, didn't care, about what it did to her shoes, or her dress, or her Dad. Now, I know, she's only 2 and a half, and doesn't have the worry about thinking that she just spend 10 bucks on those shoes or 10 on the dress, and that she doesn't care that it's rain water and will have to take a bath when she gets home. Though, it made me ground myself a little bit. It made me think about another man I envied. There was this man, I think about 40 at the time, who hated his job. Tried a few different things and nothing seemed to be to his liking, nothing that he was qualified for at least. So, he dropped what he was doing, went to school and became a nurse. Now, he didn't have a child, well he had 2 but they were off in college, or out, and pretty much doing what they had to do. Though he did it. How many times do you hear about someone being 40 years old and RE-starting their career. It always made me think. So now here I am roughly in the same boat, I have a lot of choices ahead of me, and a lot of places to go. I don't know how to close this. I don't really know how to end it. I just know that there are a lot of things in my life that I wish I did that, I never thought I'd get the chance to, and with over a month of no smokes, years and years of no drugs, and a year and a half of being put through the most time I've ever spent in my head. I am happy to be here. I've got my list. It hurts there are people that are not next to me anymore that I would really like to be there. All in all though, I know this... I am right where I need to be. So in a few short words. BRING IT THE FUCK ON!
Stumble It!
