You know sometimes you sit and think you have everything figured out. I mean, at least I do sometimes. Things look clear at moments. I don't know what the difference is between the moments they do and the moments things look blurry and fuzzy. For a long time I thought it was drugs, or booze that made them cloudy. Then I thought it was women, well I'm not giving up on that one yet, but I know there's more. I find myself opening up to random strangers while I'm in their homes talking about pieces of my life and getting different outlooks. It's fun, I can pretend there too. I can still say I'm married. I can say I have a house. I can say my Jeep doesn't suck. I can pretend that I have it figured out. Sometimes I do it all. I talk about my "wife" like she lives with me. I say things like "WE took my daughter out to...." or "WE did..." Other times I leave it up to them, I may mention my daughter and speak about her for whatever reason, and then let them figure it out. I guess I just like to feel like somewhere something makes sense. Even if it's in my own little world. Though, there are also times when you find a person that you didn't expect to. The otherday i got to spend time with someone at first seemed to be a total dickwad, and kinda was. Though, I think somewhere in the past months of drugs, being home all the time, having to rely on strangers to do petty little tasks like cut his tofu, and radiation therapy ( yeah he had cancer ) he was humbled. He sat back at one point while I was installing something or other, and just watched his 12 year old son sleep. I caught him a few times just looking over in his direction. Wondering, how many more times he was going to be able to get a chance to do that. He even turned the TV off at one point and just looked up at the ceiling for a good 10 minutes. Now, yeah he could have been high on some legal form of dope, but I'd like to think for my own little story, he was pondering what's next, or at least looking at right now, or just then. It, for me, was also humbling. I got a chance to read something he wrote as well. He asked me to read it, I'm not sure why, but he specifically pointed this document out and said make sure there is NOTHING wrong with this one. So I did. Over a year ago was the first time I cried in someone's home, out of pure frustration over my life being in a pretty sad state, and wanting to change it but not being able to because I was stuck in a closet of some rich hamptons home routing wires in a wall. I swore it would never happen again. Well, I'm a dick and it did. I sat here and read this mans letter to his daughter about how he spoke about his ex wife, ( yep, he was going through getting divorced too ) It was amazing looking at all the little things that seemed to not matter anymore to him. It was amazing to look at what it was this man held, close to his heart enough to write a letter to his daughter basically telling her how he was about to die, but he loved her. Things weren't her fault. She was beautiful. How his (ex)wife was a good person, no matter how many bad things he said about her during the split. How he wouldn't want to change anything. And then, I read this, "... I would however, change being away from you guys. ( he had a few kids ) The problems that exsisted between your mother and I, could have easily been addressed if we put what was important infront of us, you three. I am sorry that we did not" I do not know how I kept my head screwed on straight at that point. It went in so many ways, it went to just leaving right then and there, fuck my job, and running to Kerri and dropping to a knee and asking her to forgive me again. It went to running to my daughter and giving her the most amazing hug and telling her I am never leaving her side again no matter what. It went to giving this guy the biggest hug and telling him if i didn't have a kid i'd die for him, so he could fix it all. It was a shock. See I write often about how my life is wonderful and how splendid things are. Don't get me wrong, it is wonderful, I have an amazing daughter. I have a wonderful family that has put up with my emotional ups and downs. I had a great wife, whom well, is still in my life but as of right now just the mother of my child, and that alone is all one can ask for, that your child has a great mom, if you get to have that part of her in your life, great, but if you can't, you take what you can i guess. I guess what I am trying to say here is that, I always sit back and write about how life is a gift, how things are important, how you need to get up and do something with your life. How too many people are sitting around reading THIS instead of going to the one they love and telling them so. Too many people don't take risks in their lives. They sit on their hands and wonder whats coming next instead of trying to find out themselves. Too many people sit back in an easy chair, and grab a remote. Too many people don't spend enough damn time with thier kids. Though, until the other day, I didn't realize just how precious every single fucking moment really really is. Fact of the matter is I haven't been doing it myself. I've been looking at the past, trying to get things back to the way they were. I don't know if that's the right thing to do. Things were great then. They had some shit but they weren't all bad. Though years have past now, and they'll never be that again. They could be close, which is honestly what I'm rooting for, but they will never be the same. I just know, that going forward, I am going to make an effort to live each moment intentionally. Each moment for a purpose. Each moment with vibrant energy. YES! That means some times it's going to be glowing with love and passion, and pure dopeness. It also means sometimes there is going to be very vivid colors of anger and sadness and heartache. You know what though? If I find out that I have cancer in a year or five. I will be able to say, i fucking LIVED. I hiked up my little skirt and did it. So if it means getting my heart broken a thousand times over from the same woman, break it! If it means standing up and screaming out things I truly believe in, cover your ears! If it means I'm going to fall a few times before I get something right, don't catch me. I got this one!
So, as I sit wondering if anything I've done in my past, anything I've said has been a mistake, one word comes to mind... Nah! Could I have done a few things differently. Yep, sure of course I'm not perfect. Though, I honestly feel, that deep down inside, no matter where they are right now. The people I love and care for and would do anything for, know this, always will, and always have. Maybe they just need to spend some time with a cancer patient.
As Always, thanks for reading.
-vin
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